Dating advice from Taoist priest Yun Xiang Tseng

I came across this video on a Taoist discussion forum some time ago.  Yun Xiang Tseng (known as Master Cheng to his students) is a Taoist priest in the Wudang tradition.  In this video, he makes some interesting comments on relationships.  The discussion gets a bit repetitive, and his accent might be hard for some people to understand, but I think it's worth listening.  Below is my five-point summary and commentary.  At this point I should probably say that my commentary is written from the perspective of a heterosexual man and that my notes below are intended primarily for other heterosexual men.  However, if you change the pronouns, I believe that most of these principles can apply to other kinds of relationships, as well.

1.  Don't expect a woman to think, feel, or behave the way you think she should (i.e., like you would, or like a man would).  It amazes me how often I hear guys getting frustrated because their partner is not acting 'rationally' or the way that he himself would act.  If you expect other people (in general, not just women) to act according to your own values, beliefs, and expectations, you are going to be disappointed and frustrated.

2.  Allow the other person to be herself and appreciate her as she is.  Don't be disappointed because she is not the person you wanted her to be.

3. Your inability to accept and love another is directly related to your inability to accept and love yourself.  Many problems in relationships are caused by a lack of self-esteem and self-love, which leads to insecurity and power games.

4.  You need to have a certain level of self-esteem and happiness in your life in order to have a happy, healthy, and authentically creative relationship with your partner.  Obviously, if you are depressed, stressed, anxious, or miserable, your relationship is going to have problems and it will be difficult for you and your partner to create children, a family, a business, or whatever else it is that you're trying to bring into the world together.  So, your emotional well-being is crucial.  By the way, in case you didn't know, there are things you can do to reduce stress and improve your emotional well-being.  Things like eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, practicing qigong, meditating, and living mindfully.

5.  In his advice on attracting the right partner, Master Cheng's advice emphasizes self-cultivation, as opposed to outward seeking.  I quote:

"Healthy body give ability to house a healthy spirit, and a healthy spirit is able to manifest the glow of love, and the glow of love expand--able to attract the right kind of people.  You are not go out and look for your soulmate, your relations person, the great relations person will attracted to your glow of love and come to your life without have to try that hard.  Love always on the first sight, we always love to hear that, but love on the first sight is because you are able and capable to emit the glow of light to attract the one who is capable to be synchronized with your energy.  So don't busy searching outside, turn inside to improve the quality of your own being."

In my opinion, this is actually the most relevant (and non-obvious) point that Yun Xiang Tseng makes in his discussion.  In our culture, as men, we are being sold the message that in order to meet women, we need to go out and take a very active approach: going to clubs, "approaching," getting phone numbers, and in general, trying really hard.  This is the message of books like The Game and the entire "Seduction Community" which has a wider cultural influence, especially among young men, than many readers might suspect.  These messages appeal to men's feelings of powerlessness, frustration, inadequacy, and fear.

However, my own experience with dating and relationships has been that that kind of effort yields very little reward for the amount of effort that goes into it.  In fact, all of the good relationships I've had, the ones that have lasted a while and been satisfying while they lasted, have been brought about seemingly by synchronicity or fate, with very little effort on my part.  Taoism has always emphasized effortless action, non-action or wu wei, and it seems that the approach Yun Xiang Tseng is suggesting to finding a partner is a wu wei approach. 

Instead of actively seeking, focus on cultivating yourself.  Master Cheng emphasizes the importance of having not only a healthy spirit but a healthy body as well.  Having a healthy body, being in good shape, leads to living with more joy, more self-esteem, more self-confidence--and confidence is the single most attractive quality a man can have.  On a more esoteric level, says Master Cheng, a person who is physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy emits a subtle energetic glow or radiance that is naturally attractive, especially to people with whom you have a natural energetic compatibility.  Once you are in this state, you don't have to go out and look for the right person.  You will naturally attract them into your life, and attraction happens naturally, effortlessly.  It is, in fact, the most natural thing in the world.